Dirty Jokes 3
by McQueenfan95
Summary: You asked for it, you got it! Here it is. Another collection of dirty jokes.


Prickly is standing in the middle of a stage, holding a microphone. "Alright readers, Are you guys ready to laugh? Back by popular demand, with more jokes that'll tickle your funny bone and other bones, The man himself, McQ!".

1. Cuddles and Giggles were in bed getting busy when Giggles put one of Cuddle's hands onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". Cuddles is like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!". So Cuddles puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands Giggles. "I can't", says Cuddles. Giggles looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

2. Three guys, Flippy, Handy and Nutty, go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. Flippy and Handy are sleeping on the sides of the bed and Nutty's in the middle. The next morning, Flippy wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!". Handy wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then Nutty wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

3. Handy is on the 5th floor of a building and needed a handsaw. So he spots Lumpy on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So Handy tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his nub back and forth in a hand saw motion.

Lumpy nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.

Handy gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!".

Lumpy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - 'I'm coming'!"

4. One day an at home wife, Giggles, is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens the door to Russel, "Hi, is Cuddles home?"

Giggles replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Giggles, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."

Giggles thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Russel then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Giggles, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Russel a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Cuddles arrives back home from the store. Giggles goes up to him, "You know, your friend Russel came over."

Cuddles thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

5. Petunia was visiting one of Treeville's hospital, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient, Lumpy, was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said Petunia, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour, Sniffles, explains, "I'm sorry Miss, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said Petunia.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse, Giggles was giving a patient, Handy, a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

6. Cub is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. Cub confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", Cub asks, "What's a pussy?"

Ma, being startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."

Cub then asks "What's a bitch?"

Ma, again thinking quickly, opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

Cub walks away still confused, and sees Pop watching television. Cub walks up to him and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"

Pop doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

Cub, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

Pop replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

7. A teacher, Lumpy, was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. Cuddles said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, Lumpy glared at Cuddles, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

8. Pop comes home to find Ma with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

Pop thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" Ma asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

9. One day, Giggles was talking to Flaky and she said to her, "Cuddles bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.".

Flaky replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

10. Flippy and Flaky were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the Flaky's vagina. Flippy covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor, Sniffles explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested that Flippy try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

Flippy agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," Sniffles said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. Sniffles quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted Flaky. Flippy watched with increasing alarm as the Sniffles' thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," Sniffles panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

11. Handy and Petunia go on their honeymoon, and Handy spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Petunia's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Handy starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Handy yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Petunia looks over Handy, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Handy says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

12. The FBI is considering three men to be hired. Cuddles, Russel and Flippy. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. Cuddles comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.". The interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at Cuddles, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

Cuddles goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. Russel comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. Russel puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

Flippy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. Flippy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. Flippy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?", to which Flippy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

13. Giggles nervously asked the doctor, Sniffles, to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, Sniffles asked, "How did this happen?"

"Let me put it this way, doc," Giggles began. "Cuddles likes to eat by candlelight".

14. Three explorers, Giggles, Flaky and Sniffles, are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the Giggles to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?". Well, Giggles doesn't want to die, so she opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips Giggles' pants off and fucks her in the ass.

The cheif calls Flaky to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?". Well not wanting to die either, she opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips Flaky's pants off and fucks her in the ass.

The chief calls Sniffles to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?". Well, Sniffles has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

15. Flippy and Cuddles are sitting in the forest, taking a shit. Flippy leans over to the Cuddles and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? Cuddles says "No". So Flippy grabs Cuddles and wipes his ass with him.

16. During her annual checkup, Petunia was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said Sniffles, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?". Sniffles said, "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

17. The Mole walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, Tux the penguin, walks up to him and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, Tux walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to The Mole's table and hands it to him. The Mole puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

"Unbelievable", Tux says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the Tux's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The Mole eats his meal and leaves. Several days later The Mole returns and Tux mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." Tux again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to The Mole.

After another deep breath, The Mole says, "That smells great, I'll have the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli". Once again walking away in disbelief, Tux thinks The Mole is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time The Mole comes in he's going to test him.

The Mole eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time Tux sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Lammy, rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to The Mole."

Lammy complies and hands Tux the fork back.

As The Mole walks in and sits down, Tux is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The Mole puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Lammy worked here?"

18. Splendid entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter, Tux, reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. Splendid was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

Tux replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

Splendid ate his meal. As he was paying Tux, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

Tux replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said Splendid, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys", said Tux, "but I use the spoon."

19. Ma and Pop take Cub on vacation and go to a nude beach. Pop goes for a walk on the beach and Cub goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, Cub runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

Ma cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, Cub runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, Cub runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, Cub runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, Cub runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

20. Petuina goes into a restaurant. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well, Toothy and Splendid, who are in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Toothy drops his pants and bends over and the Splendid starts licking his butt. Petunia watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Toothy pulls his pants back up and says to Splendid, "You're right, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

21. One day, Cub was curious about what a strip club was like so he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking off their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into Flippy. Flippy asked Cub, "What's wrong Cub? You look like you just saw a ghost!". Cub replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched a girl undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

22. Giggles, Petunia and Flaky decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the Giggles what she called Cuddles. And she says, "I call him 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call Cuddles that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up". They ask the Petunia what she calls Handy. She says," I call him Mountain Dew." They ask, "Why do you call Handy that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the Flaky the same thing and she says, "I like to call Flippy, Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call Flippy that?, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."

23. Cub was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher, Lumpy, drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" He asked. Cub raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!".

"Two of them?" Lumpy asked.

"Yeah", Cub said, "He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!".

24. Giggles' mom is driving her to Petunia's house for a play date. "Mommy", Giggles asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at Giggles, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," Giggles says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, Giggles asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as Giggles and Petunia begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," Giggles says to Petunia.

"Well," said Petunia, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night, Giggles says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" Giggles continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which Giggles replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

25. A truck driver, Lumpy, is driving east on Route 66. He sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. Lumpy replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well, Lumpy gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

So, Lumpy drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" Lumpy replies "Me and my brother."

26. Giggles and Petunia walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. Petunia sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" She said, waving her arm under Giggles' nose.

"Yeah. What's it called?", said Giggles.

"Viens a moi.", replyed Petunia.

"Viens a moi? What's that mean?", Asked Giggles.

A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Petunia took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to Giggles again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

27. Disco Bear walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter, Tux, comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So Disco Bear says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So Tux brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' Tux is kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later Tux comes back and asks Disco Bear if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So Tux says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'

28. Cuddles gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife, Giggles, has been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Sniffles is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Cuddles.

"Cuddles?" Sniffles asks. "

Yes sir, what's happened? How is Giggles?"

Sniffles sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Giggles's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Cuddles, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Cuddles, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Cuddles begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Cuddles begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," Sniffles continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Cuddles begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

Sniffles continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Cuddles is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Sniffles reaches out his hand and pats Cuddleses on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

29. Flaky thought she might have some fun with Flippy at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Flippy, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Flippy, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

30. A Cuddles is running happily through the woods when he comes across Toothy rolling a joint. He runs up to Toothy and says, "Hey, Toothy. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" Toothy looks at Cuddles, looks at the joint, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the woods with Cuddles.

After a while Toothy and Cuddles come across Handy about to do a line of Coke. Cuddles says, "Oh, Handy. You really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the woods. It is much better for you." Handy looks at Cuddles looks at the line of Coke, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with Toothy and Cuddles.

Shortly they come across Splendid about to shoot up heroin. Cuddles runs up to him and says, "Hey, Splendid, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." Splendid looks at Cuddles, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with Cuddles, Toothy and Handy.

After a while they come across Flippy drinking his way through a six pack of beer. Cuddles runs up to Flippy and says, "Hey Flippy, you really shouldn't do that." and Flippy immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of Cuddles. Toothy grabs Flippy, pulls him off of Cuddles and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" Flippy gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the damn woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

Whew! Done. If I get atleast ten requests for another one, I'll make another one. Now, before I go, I just wanna let you guys know that 'The Camping Episode' is pretty much done. I'm out of ideas for it and I have new fresh ideas. I think you guys can work out what happens. I'll put it this way, SPOILER ALERT! Prickly and Midnight go for their hike, Prickly reveals his feelings to Midnight, they kiss and, before the night is over, they have sex. Ohh, so original. I got other stuff to do. Anyway, before I go, I'm gonna leave you guys with a riddle.

What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert? 


End file.
